Beautiful and Decorative
Shifts to angst on the inside
Sitting at my desk feeling relaxed, focused, and confident, I relish witnessing the sun wash through my apartment, creating intriguing shadows as it rises. I take a few extra moments to appreciate the striking beauty meant for my eyes only. Absorbing each nuance of change encourages me to maintain calm and begin writing with relative ease.
After a few hours, I check my emails hoping nothing requires immediate attention. How easily this necessary twice-daily task can thwart my concentration. Yes, one message, although promising, requires me to alter my schedule for the next few days - possibly more.
And here it comes - the menacing knot growing within. Preferring to rest in the pit of my stomach, it also roams at will. My momentum zapped, my focus diverted, and my composure lost.
After years of working with contractual and self-imposed deadlines, I am taken aback by my extreme emotional reaction. I know all will work out, but this familiar knot attacks without remorse and is relentless. I allow myself to indulge this unwelcomed angst for twenty-four hours - no more. I swim. I meditate. I paint.
Convincing myself to prioritize, I check tasks off my list. The knot loosens with each stroke representing completion. At some point, it disappears completely. Yes, there is always an ongoing list, and I manage to complete each project as scheduled. So why the knot of torture? There does not need to be an answer - only a solution.