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The Knot Within

The Knot Within

Beautiful and Decorative
Shifts to angst on the inside

Sitting at my desk feeling relaxed, focused, and confident, I relish witnessing the sun wash through my apartment, creating intriguing shadows as it rises. I take a few extra moments to appreciate the striking beauty meant for my eyes only. Absorbing each nuance of change encourages me to maintain calm and begin writing with relative ease. 

After a few hours, I check my emails hoping nothing requires immediate attention. How easily this necessary twice-daily task can thwart my concentration. Yes, one message, although promising, requires me to alter my schedule for the next few days - possibly more. 

And here it comes - the menacing knot growing within. Preferring to rest in the pit of my stomach, it also roams at will. My momentum zapped, my focus diverted, and my composure lost. 

After years of working with contractual and self-imposed deadlines, I am taken aback by my extreme emotional reaction. I know all will work out, but this familiar knot attacks without remorse and is relentless. I allow myself to indulge this unwelcomed angst for twenty-four hours - no more. I swim. I meditate. I paint. 

Convincing myself to prioritize, I check tasks off my list. The knot loosens with each stroke representing completion. At some point, it disappears completely. Yes, there is always an ongoing list, and I manage to complete each project as scheduled. So why the knot of torture? There does not need to be an answer - only a solution.

  • Post author
    Debra Levine

Comments on this post (2)

  • Feb 16, 2021

    Healing is always in process. One always continues to heal, expand and untie knots. Great job, Debra. Love you ❤️

    — marilyn

  • Feb 15, 2021

    Debra, how well I know and understand that knot! I have had one since childhood and although it has loosened somewhat, it still surprises me on its arrival every time I am confronted with something that necessitates a compromise which will alter all plans made, all negotiations accomplished… it literally starts in my gut and yanks my center off its axis, throwing me into a place I am no longer the person I want to be…. probably originating from some childhood fear… I try to deal with it by pushing it away till I am ready to rationalize its existence with the solutions that I know will not mean I must compromise my principles… it still takes a lot of self assuring and energy…

    — Ligia Jamieson

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